The swamp is slowly turning into more and more stable ground. The decisions I felt pressured (by myself) to take are becoming clearer. Some through external factors, others because I am starting to figure out my preferences, then setting my mind, (then doubting it all), and finally putting them into action one way or another.
In the last week, I finally worked up the courage to inform my employer that I won’t be continuing after the trial. I don’t know why it was so hard. As if they would be disappointed or the whole company would break down if I left. Which is stupid.
I came randomly, so it is not very far fetched to expect me leaving randomly. Although I’m fighting hard not to portray that picture. At the very least not to pass through like a hurricane! To deny myself the randomness would probably defeat the point of my travelling – because that is what I need. And need to allow myself.
If I start feeling less shame about quitting or leaving or changing plans, it will most likely make the whole process gentler for the others and me. Parting under a positive light.
That is still work in progress, I suppose.
I had hoped my next destination would be the husky farm, and I spent some nice weekends there, but unfortunately they don’t need help at the moment. Perhaps at a later time, so we’ll hopefully stay in touch.
I’m surprisingly calm about that, given how set I was on that place for some time. But I spent some nice days there, and have other places and plans to look forward to. This was a good lesson: to let go and accept that my journey isn’t tied to specific places. Any place will be special in its own way.
On the way back from the husky farm today, I felt in peace with leaving the North. Leaving Senja and the idea of the farm. We are all parting on good terms, and to be honest – that is a fairly new experience for me.
It is strange to think about leaving. Driving South. It feels wrong, in a way, to go South. But also kind of right. I don’t want to be back in Germany, but my horses are there and I have some exciting plans and projects to come.
At least now I know that I can leave again. And I know I can sort (some) problems out.
What I have learned: I belong wherever I go, something ending isn’t only a closing, but something new opening
What I’m grateful: finally parting on good terms, soon being for myself again – even if I’m scared