This is the moment I had been trying to prepare for – or at least be conscious about (ironically): the joy of writing, creating, making videos, music, travelling now subsiding into nothing. Just emptiness.
It is frustrating because I had so much fun doing all of that and suddenly comes this phase where I am very uncomfortable with myself. Everything I do is not good enough and don’t want to be confronted with myself. For the first time I’m feeling scared when I’m alone or in the dark – surrounded by black mountains towering over me, nights without the moon or stars, trees creaking in the wind, strange animals lurking in the dark. I don’t get scared in these surroundings, but last night I worried about rocks falling on us – this very clear picture coming up again and again.
I think this is my mind trying to take the upper hand – it does not under any circumstance want to lose control and is trying to stay „alive“ in the most ridiculous ways.
I think.
But honestly…who am I to try and analyse or understand anything? To think I’ve figured something out?
There is no way anyone can know anything for sure. These are just speculations. Trying to make rational sense – finding an explanation – for something that is bigger than our tiny minds could even comprehend.
I have to smile a bit about myself because I’m at this infamous point of questioning knowledge, existence, purpose – feeling so small in such a huge world – feeling so lost and unnecessary in such a huge universe. The world doesn’t need me and my problems. Nature can exist very fine without me. My problems „in the bigger picture“ (laughing again) are not the way I perceive them, but very small and unimportant and useless.
Maybe the way I’m feeling fits with the way I’m travelling. Maybe it all makes sense after all. We’re driving a lot, seeing a lot, probably still missing a lot. We are above the polar circle now, so what feels like very far north, very far from what I know, but there are still thousands of more kilometres! We are driving a lot, but still so far away. Around every corner lurks something new, after every tunnel the landscape has changed and with every hour of driving the dialect is a new one.
Thank you. This definitely made the picture a little clearer for my tiny mind that loves to feel like it’s in control. I can sleep now and perhaps this was the push I needed to get over the mountain/or up the hill again.
What I learned: I don’t know anything.
What I’m grateful for: continuing, continuing, continuing.