This is it! The text I have written and re-written in my head so many times that I actually forgot what it was about. The only thing that stuck was the title.
Where to start…?
I have a job.
I have a flat!
I have a community and a village.
I have something resembling a normal…life…style…routine…?
But let’s start at the beginning:
I came to this little village (two villages actually!) randomly, hunting for a job and a challenge. At first it looked very impossible to find one at this time of year, but I was immediately struck by the sense of community and friendliness in this place. So I decided to give it a chance. I wasn’t proved wrong, and after a week I managed to get the job. Still living in my car on a parking spot at the end of the road, I went to work every day.
No one here understood how I could live in a car, especially at minus 10°C and ankle-high snow – they desperately tried to find me a flat, which was met with less, but not totally absent, enthusiasm from me.
Finally, one was found and negotiated to a fairly reasonable price. I was doubtful. As always.
After some thinking and growing a little annoyed with the lack of space and activity after work, I said yes and moved in two days later. Nearly the whole village arranged some furniture and for me to move in within two days! I wasn’t prepared for that spontaneity… and got overwhelmed and had to leave work early that day because of an ongoing anxiety attack. I felt very guilty for that (disappointing and letting down on THE day everyone had done SO much for me). But of course no one said anything, and everything continued as „usual“, so my guilt was – again – without reason.
Somewhere in the days before moving in, I also got scared and felt trapped in possibly a life that wasn’t suited for me long-term. In hindsight: hence the reluctance to move in and settle down even more.
But who the hell is talking about long-term!?
Yes I have a job (with long-term possibility), yes I have a flat, yes this could look like a life, and is the life of many other people. But literally no one is forcing me, or can even force me, to stay here. I could leave tomorrow. I could leave here in a year. Or ten. Or never. All of these are my choices. And funnily the knowledge that I could leave tomorrow helped me stay for longer.
I am free.
The only thing trapping me is my mind. Sometimes I build my own invisible cage.
Let’s face it. „Sometimes“ is very understated.
So for now I am in a good place with the usual challenges, but enough patience around me to take them on.
What I have learned: the only thing trapping me is my mind, saying yes
What I’m grateful for: „randomly“ stumbling into this place