My creativity turned into full blown chaos. I was chaos. Unable to focus on a task, exaggerating everything, wanting to do everything, then getting tired of it, but I was still high. I couldn’t get my thoughts and emotions under control; I couldn’t stand up for or look after myself.
I was working, spending most of the time with others – and while it was fun and rewarding, I didn’t look after myself and the purpose of my journey; I didn’t take the necessary breaks (because they weren’t pressing enough); I didn’t look after my van and it became chaos; I didn’t look after my mind and I became chaos. Desperately, I wondered why I was feeling like that and tried to find a solution – do something. It didn’t work of course.
The longer it went on, the harder it got to work and find or contribute in tasks – I only thought of what I could do for the others and what the others would want – I couldn’t find anything I could give. One day I finally allowed myself to go on a walk to clear my head (as I left I found a task to fetch some hay on the way). I discovered a beautiful spot by the river and just sat there and watched the river. I thought some things over, wrote down some texts, got ideas, filmed some nice footage and had a realisation: It is time for us to move on.
Of course that realisation wasn’t enough and I started stressing myself about departure dates and a myriad of other things.
Until I got sick.
I caught the psychosomatic cold that seemed to be going around here. My head rebelled and refused to take a break – a cold isn’t enough reason…..
My body wanted to make it clearer and gave me stomach cramps on top – the second day they were so bad that I had to stop. It lead to some interesting talks and I finally calmed down (a little more).
We will be moving on tomorrow and hopefully getting our rest and looking after ourselves. I’m excited to see what the next time will bring and it feels a little strange and scary to be on the road again after having been here for almost two weeks (haha, we planned for three days).
I am still a little confused why my body is so sensitive to injury and illness at the moment – that is very unusual. I am interested to find out what the lesson behind that will be!
What I learned: listen to your body and take breaks! (okay, haven’t learned that one yet, but that should be the lesson :D), our journey is not here and not stationary (for now).
What I’m grateful for: continuing when it gets hard and not letting myself be completely dragged down.