This title is funny in multiple ways, but at the same time not. The same phrase fits to many different recent events. More than I have the energy („å orke“ is a nice Norwegian verb for that which doesn’t have a perfect translation to English or German) to elaborate on right now. But examples are that my internal clock is severely confused due to shift work and now holidays, and on top the almost never ending darkness. I also had a tiny mirror crash with my van – nothing severe happened!
The topic I was mainly referring to though was, that this time of the year is seemingly a low point for me (in addition to mid-Summer). The past couple of years it has been pretty much like clock work with the past two years landing me in hospital at around this time.
So now my body is telling me that this time has come again. But… I’m in a different environment; I know about this pattern now; I don’t want or need another crash…wait, that’s easy to say. Of course I don’t want one, but how should I know if I need one?
Let’s stick with „I shouldn’t crash“. Because if I do, I will. And meanwhile I will try to find away to pull myself up and learn to listen to what this crash tendency is telling me and asking me to change.
Coping mechanisms still work okay-ish, although I’m a bit short on them here. Nature is difficult to access, no horses, cold and snowy winter making it possibly dangerous to travel – uncomfortable at least, and a loud inner critic making it hard to do something creative.
I still like this village, but I’m starting to wonder if it is as suited for the way I want to live. At least the bits I found out about. The life here is very „standardised“. By that I mean modern, technology-focused and not particularly individual (in the way I’d like to see at least). This is probably due to secludedness, difficult accessibility and the way society is developing. The people here are still lovely, but the sense of community I felt in the beginning is drowning a bit in the corona restrictions that have also arrived here, and probably in my tiredness.
It is hard to consider moving on because my brain was so excited to make these wonderful plans here. A bit too excited maybe because my track record doesn’t show a long attention span in places. Which is okay – I think.
I came here to travel, not to settle. At least not so early. I might be getting a little blinded by my desire to find „my place“. However, as I figured out some time ago, I’m not ready for that place yet! A hard insight.
At times at least, because other times it is also exciting. I don’t belong in a fixed place yet, but on the road. In the forest. In the world.
Funny note: my phone suggested to write „I don’t belong in a….shrimp factory“!
And this is the other part I wanted to write about. I’m on almost two weeks of holidays now – half way through – and I’m dreading to go back.
Okay, admittedly, the dread is not only job-specific. This would probably happen with a lot of jobs.
In this case, however, it’s a specific dread of boredom. And feeling useless and not needed at work. It’s not the work place itself. The job could be (and is) great, but the problem is that there is so little to do that I just wait around most of the time. And that is the worst torture for me. That feels quite similar to depression.
It feels hard to think about moving on. I don’t want to let the people around me down, and (as usual when staying in one place) I have become a bit comfortable and domesticated, so I don’t want back into new environments and insecurities.
In any way, tomorrow I am finally using my holidays not only to complain about my messed up sleep schedule, but to drive inland and look at other places and maybe farms to work on. Or a husky farm. We’ll see. I’m both excited, and exhausted thinking about it.
All this thinking and analysing is nice, but I really have to remember not to make a hasty decision before I have been back to work and spent a little more time here. Who knows. This „low“ could be very short lived and the work not actually as bad as my head imagines it!!! It would be sad to dip into the running pattern again.
So, let’s face all our fears!
What I have learned: even though my Norwegian is crap, my brain wrote this mostly in Norwegian, haha. Strange
Okay, seriously: back to stage one – out of the uncomfortable and into facing all fears, even if this might feel or seem like a wrong turn or mistake on the way, it brings important lessons and maybe a place to fall back to later, I also learned more about what I want and need and am looking for
What I’m grateful for: a little more patience, resilience and insight into recognitising these patterns, to keep going even when I’m standing still (or feel like it)
I feel like I’m repeating myself. But this work is sometimes quite repetitive.