For a long time I have been aversive to people. Mostly due to expecting bad encounters and outcomes and also because I couldn’t handle being around others when I couldn’t handle being around myself.
I was very happy when I found out that Norway has self-service checkout in shops which I gladly used – until I noticed how stupid it was. Do I want to be scared of people for the rest of my life? Then why the hell am I not using the easiest opportunity given to practice being around people?
Today I went to a hotel to ask about a short-term job here on Senja. This moment was one I had been anticipating, avoiding and practicing in my head for quite some time. It turned out totally different.
Of course.
What was different? The people were much nicer than expected, my prepared speeches found little use (also because they were in Norwegian and I found a native English speaker, clever me) and it was pretty easy to keep a conversation going.
I didn’t end up getting a job for now, but I can ask again in some time when there might be more to do. Perfect, now I have more opportunities to practice!
What does this show me? My expectations are not reality (to use a cliché) and my perspective matters. If I go in thinking this was a stupid idea, I will fail anyways and embarrass myself, I will never get a job and that is the end of the world, then the situation is likely going to feel that way. If it turns out in any way the way it was predicted, I will be right in my catastrophising. My whole attitude, posture and actions will attract that. If someone goes in thinking negatively, they will of course be perceived that way by the other person.
If I go in neutrally, the outcome does not matter. I have no ties to the place, I don’t truly NEED the job, so if I don’t get it, nothing happens. If I embarrass myself, nothing happens (I don’t know the person and don’t need to). If I say something wrong or misinterpreted a situation or my own abilities, nothing happens. With this attitude, I will be more relaxed and present (in theory) which will in turn be noticed by the other person – and be a lot more comfortable for me.
Unfortunately, I don’t yet know, what it is like to go in with a purely positive attitude – it might work wonders…
This also applies to my contact with people back in Germany. When I am so warped in my perception, I think that people are bad and want to think bad of me. I think everyone is there to pick out my flaws, find the first opportunity to hate me.
Even if they did (they don’t), so what?
When I expect to be treated badly, I will treat badly. My head will anticipate horrific scenarios and try to protect itself by being dismissive, passive-aggressive or fully aggressive – even if nothing has happened yet.
And my imagination is very strong! Paired with bad experiences, this becomes a spiralling, self-fulfilling prophecy. I become chaos.
Viewing things from a different perspective (like I am now) can help, but that is hard (to me) when in a place that is so drenched with bad habits, patterns and energies. Leaving for a period is definitely helping me.
To practice meeting people further, I am considering challenging myself to approach at least a person a day for two weeks and exchange at least to sentences (hi, bye, thanks, yes, no and the likes don’t count – also not in Norwegian or another language 😉). It might take a little more time, though, until I can fully commit to that challenge – which is okay.
What I have learned: my perception can be clouded by my expectations, people are not usually evil, my fears don’t always have a root in the present
What I’m grateful for: distance and space to see