My holidays are over and I’m back at work. It wasn’t as bad as expected (surprise, surprise). At least not in the way I expected it to be. When this fear of a future event builds up, I think it is mainly based around the terrible feeling I think will come with being in the situation. However, this feeling does not usually arise. At least not because of the situation and just the situation. There have been negative feelings and a lot of them in my first couple of days back at work, but they were strangely not the ones I feared. Or they didn’t feel like the ones I feared. They are somewhat bearable. It’s a bit confusing. I don’t yet know what to make of the situation.
I do think however, that it is unnecessary to endure these feelings. During my little trip to the mainland, I found out that there are other places and works more suited to me, and I am also starting to give myself the freedom to say „no, thanks, I’m moving on“. Because, after all I have no real obligation to be here. I came here not even two months ago – should I leave now, it will quickly seem like I’d never been here in the first place. I still feel bad. Both for myself, for giving up (why? when I started the job I was sure I wouldn’t make the 3 months), and for letting down the others.
On the other hand, I am also letting down now because I’m doing a terrible, terrible job and I can’t make myself perform better because brain and body just shut off. This is sad – I know that I could technically do better, but no one (including myself) sees that I can.
So why stay here, if there are other places where I can put my skills and myself to actual use?
I might have found this place on my trip.
The drive itself was very short-lived and the first two places I visited were already considering to give me a chance. The first place was a horse centre that is looking for some substitute help, and the second place is a husky farm that I stayed for the rest of my holidays.
The atmosphere there was very nice, the lifestyle very close to nature, the landscape was breathtaking, and the work rewarding and interesting. Much more suited to me, I think. However, this time I wasn’t totally mesmerised and glorifying everything. I was actually still extremely tired and struggling to find the energy for the whole day, every day. So I possibly got a glimpse of what it would be like after the initial excitement of a new place settled. Still better to be in the forest than in a shrimp factory.
What I have learned: there are other things out in the world, new challenges and skills to learn (ironic that I forgot that while staying in a place)
What I’m grateful for: to have found such an interesting place so quickly that is on top hopefully also interested in having me