A swamp is a good metaphor. I feel like I’m wading through one. Mud sticking to my shoes; every step a new challenge, pulling feet out, struggling to find ground. The swamp seems endless, every direction looks the same: foggy and pointless.
Time feels like chewing gum. Like fingers finding one stuck under a table (this also happens in Norway, by the way!).
The swamp metaphor has another good comparison, though: the world doesn’t consist of only swamps and marshes. And they aren’t endless. Yes, you can drown in one, but you can also pull yourself out or find stable ground in between.
Okay, I don’t have any real swamp experience, but maybe you get the point.
I’m still on sticky, yucky ground. I’m struggling to make my decisions, to say goodbye and to find the bravery and resilience to go through with a new challenge.
But I really want to. It feels right. Even though the fear is stronger sometimes. The resistance that would like everything to stay in safe comfort zones. No adventure, no danger. But that comes with boredom, numbness and unhappiness. It is pretty clear which feeling I should listen to, but at the same time it’s not. Because my path is unusual and unconventional. It might get a lot of frowns, doubts and concerns from others (on top of my own). Interesting though is that, the better someone knows me, the more supportive they are and the more they will think that I will handle tricky situations arising.
Well, this current one doesn’t feel handled. I thought I made a decision yesterday, but today I’m doubting it all again. Was this the same before I came to Norway? I think so, but not as strong. There wasn’t any other choice that time. Now there is because I’m choosing to leave Senja and Norway soon. I don’t want to leave Norway. I didn’t want to leave my horses and cat either. But why is Norway weighing stronger than them? That is a bit sad, I think. But perhaps because I felt like I was doing everything wrong with the horses and that they would be better off without me for some time. Or at least they’d have it better once I was back because I’d have it better then.
Does that make sense? Can I rely on that?